witchplz | You've got Mail!

[ he's confused, which is a feeling he hasn't run into in a while-- confused and worried (the facts are lining up in weird-ass places), and he lights up his cigarette with a degree of irritation, eyes wandering over the same rows of houses, over and over. ]

Not much since I saw you a few hours ago...?

[ fuck, that sounds so lame, this is so annoying ]

I'm flattered that you'd think I could round up that many girls in such a short amount of time, though!

[The answer she gets isn't just one she doesn't expect, it's one that makes something heavy and lingering drop into her stomach, so heavy Rahzel almost stops in her tracks when she turns into his street--]

A few hours ago? Oh my god, don't tell me...you guys ate nothing but friend chicken and now you have scurvy, and some girl hit you in the head! Finally! I told you guys you need veggies too! What is it with stubborn boys--

[Squinting, her princess eagle eyes spot a familiar shape down the street and she takes off at a run, lungs stuttering] I see you! I see you!

Scurvy? Is that the one where bits of you start falling o--

[ because that's what he'd be concerned with, obviously.

but the fleeting concern about his dick falling off ebbs when he hears the footsteps pattering on concrete, and he keeps his phone to his ear as he trots, slick and smooth and breezy except for the awareness that stings sharp behind his apparent laziness. ]

--I'm a sight for sore eyes, right?

[ and he flips his phone shut, tucks it into his pocket and stands there with his arms open like a gross piece of shit, waiting for a hug (he can dream? maybe?) ]

[She'll force feed him lemons and stuff later, of course, and ponder upon his fate if bits have started falling off...how will he get work in this town with a hole in his face?
It's like she's finally caught up to those stupid long chicken legs of his, the victory of playing catch and mapquest combined and thrumming, her heart leaps, she leaps, reels her fist back--

and rewards her knight in shining condoms with a hearty uppercut that ripples through her very bones, even the funny one]

Edited 2013-08-07 00:40 (UTC)

[ HEAVEN OR HELL, LET'S ROCK

a little part of him is pretty sure that he deserved that, even if he has no idea how long rahzel's been here for, what's been going on. let's be real, he always deserves it.

he gives her the punch, flies backwards and rolls on the ground like a rolled-up wad of tissue paper-- ]

[ and, with his face in the grass and his ass in the air: ]

I love you too, Rahzel. ♥

[ fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck off, baroqueheat ]

[Her chest feels a tad lighter after. It must be the whole rolling to a stop with his ass in the air and grass in his mouth part. The satisfying throb in her fist. The tic in her jaw.

But after all that running and chaos Rahzel's a little run down...thus this is the perfect time to use the newly patented Hi-tan chair and plop down onto his ass! She sniffles]

Welcome home, jerkwad. I'm glad your present was right on time cause there are absolutely no refunds! Even though it's out of the box and not in your size.

[ he can't see anything from his shitty vantage point, but he doesn't try to move yet, because it's also vaguely convenient for him, his face in the dirt and also hidden, cigarette forgotten somewhere on baking asphalt (he's not taking responsibility for potential fires).

he's not going to ask questions that he knows the answers to ("were you lonely?"), and he won't ask the questions that he wants to ("weren't you gonna leave?"), because he's a selfish jerk and he'd rather keep this moment going like any other moment. ]

Not even in my size? Come on, I know your measurements, couldn't you have at least learned mine by now?

[ he grins into the ground, hello there mr. ant... ]

But, yeah. Honey, I'm home!

[That's a good thing too, because seeing his dumb face will just set her off again. Besides, her face is a little gross right now. Is it her angry face or her crying face? He'll have to find out after she's done tugging painfully at his hair at that last bout of sass.]

I know your measurements for a coffin~ That's more than enough. But I'm sure it'll give you a real shiver to know that the landlord scumface already has yours memorized.

[Now was the tricky part...it didn't seem like he had scurvy. And obviously he'd been thrown into things or hit in the head too many times to determine if there's any new brain scrambling. The hell did he mean, a few hours?]

Edited 2013-08-07 03:12 (UTC)

[ there's a little wiggle under her butt, indicating that he'd maybe like to flip over now. dirt facials are good for the skin, maybe, but now that he's settled his expression on "doofus grin #124982752", he's ready to face the sun. ]

Well, if he did get a free look, I hope I made him jealous.

[ even if that's gross!! he'd sigh exaggeratedly, but he'd be inhaling grass. ]

--What's up with this Landlord guy, anyway?

I wouldn't know, no one's ever seen him. But I kind of doubt it. You're not exactly hour-glass shaped....more like that aforementioned coffin shaped.

[Huffs!! But relents and lets his ass up after a couple more seconds in the dirt. To feel one with his ancestors and stuff! She stands there, arms crossed over her chest and trying not to make her grumpy face cooperate with the joy filled lift of her mouth. It isn't working, exactly.]

As far as I know he's this gross creepy hermit who not only has the power to kidnap people and apparently countries that are people from across time and space but he can also take powers and weapons away. [Side note]

Oh yeah! We're trapped here, haha~!

[ he flips over, sits with his legs sprawled. just in case, he pats his lap once, twice, to indicate that she can sit there if she wants (keep dreamin', hi-tan), reaching inside for one of his cigs that he pops into his mouth without lighting. ]

Kind of like a paid vacation that we didn't ask for, where our benefactor's a disembodied voice and the resort is really shitty?

[ he's taking this surprisingly well, all things considered. ]

Man, of all the expeditions we've been on, this one might be the worst.

Sounds about right. There isn't even someone waiting on you hand and foot to bring you cute little drinks with umbrellas in them. Completely lame!

[Gives him the flattest look imaginable, absolutely not are you out of your scurvy infected mind and instead plops herself down next to him, bumping her knobby knee into his. He's really here, huh.]

There are a few things that aren't so bad. But mostly, yeah, it mondo sucks. Hey, I haven't been chased by a mob of townspeople hellbent on killing me yet, though! Small miracles~ [Should she knock on woo- no don't go there]

[ it's really only been a few hours for baroqueheat, and there are a lot of things that should be addressed-- namely, where the fuck is alzeid (seriously man don't do this!!!), but. first things first.

rahzel sits next to him, but he reaches over and picks her up in his ~manly~ arms, propping her up on his lap with her back to his chest. it'd be easy enough for her to: a) stand up and roundhouse him in the face, or b) knock her head back and break his windpipe, either or. with that in mind, he drapes over her like a big nicotine-smelling blanket, resting his chin against her hair, arms loosely wrapped around her middle. ]

Pretty sure the angry mobs were waiting for your manager to get here. They have to run that kind of thing by me first, you know?

[ as if he's that important!! he laughs, though, trying to gauge her reaction out of the corner of his eye. ]

My answer's always gonna be "go to hell", though. ♥

Edited 2013-08-08 00:51 (UTC)

[ and, after a pause-- his voice drops, becomes gentler, more sympathetic. it's a semi-sort-of-apology, one he knows she doesn't necessarily want or need (he likes to think that he knows what her priorities are). ]

You hungry?

[ he squeezes her middle slightly, to punctuate. ]

It's all on me.

Kyaaaaa~

[Okay so you can't blame her for yelping a little once she's transferred to Lap a la Hi-tan. It's been awhile since she's been privy to his spontaneous moves ~~like Jagger~~! She settles comfortably enough, doesn't even jam an elbow into his nose (small miracles indeed) and when he drapes over her all warm and familiar, if she's shaking, it's just because she's being reminded how nasty cigarette smoke is on her delicate lungs! It's nice, being this close again. She can at least admit that and revel in it.

Rahzel can hardly believe it. He's really here. She knew they'd come for her eventually, the slow asses, and it could have been worse, could have been a year, but it had gotten hard sometimes, till all she could do to not drown was throw herself into the next thing again and again and- So, steeling her voice, she retorts--]

I don't remember signing over any papers regarding you and my vast fortune and talent, I'm afraid. Maybe you really did hit your head! Uwaaah, the ventilation you must have~

Edited 2013-08-08 01:24 (UTC)

[The mention of food has her stomach, long forgotten in the stead of her heart, rumbling to attention. Her cheeks grow warm.]

My stomach did miss your wallet, I suppose. Alright, time to break out your new funds~

[But thoughts of food and fun and the ol' routine come to a screeching halt. Guilt flushes from her stomach to damn near her collar bones. This whole gig had a family included, right? That means Baroqueheat is now responsible for a wife and kids and maybe a dog....Oh god save us. He should be using those funds on them, not her. Something Distinctly Unhappy flipflops from her stomach.

And of course the ever present thought screaming at the back of her mind like a nerve that's been stretched too far, the worst charlie horse of all: Where the hell is Alzeid?! Instead she places her hand over his]

Since you're fresh meat here, let me get it. Next time though your wallet is at my mercy~

[ the husband gig is something that hi-tan is going to have to play with, and he still thinks it's hilarious that this is how his life managed to churn up yet another ragtag bunch of 'family' memebers at him-- but, ah, he can't complain. how he misses branowen and her ability to give him space and council at the same time.

he's used to family members being all over the place, but he's gotten so comfortable with working in threes (even with his...weird...issues with alzeid) that it's strange, that he can't turn around and find another grumpy face to accompany his little princess. it's not the same: he knows he's the middleman (not that it bothers him), he knows rahzel misses that stupid sullen face and that stupid brooding. it's something he can't give her, though, which is annoying and bothersome (because he likes seeing rahzel in two forms: happy and angry).

he's not gonna sell himself short, though. he knows he can, to some degree, make her happy-- that's what matters.

so!! he gets up, hoisting rahzel up along with him and sweeping her off her feet (ooh baroqueheat ooh). don't get cocky, hi-tan. ]

Ooh, you're being generous?! I have to savor this moment.

[ he's gonna pay anyway, watch him be a jackass about this ]

What's good, here?

Edited 2013-08-08 02:01 (UTC)

And here I'd almost gotten used to the silence of minions that don't give me lip.

[She harrumphs, though she can't fight back the smile taking up most of her face, automatically winding her arms around his shoulders. Bossing him around again felt good, like coming home, like finding an old stuffed toy under your bed-- except this toy touches you at night but y'know. She's boundlessly, giddily, incredibly happy. She doesn't want it to be diminished by what's still missing but she's definitely happier than she has been....for the next five minutes before wandering hands get in the way, at least. Maybe she's a little- okay a lot grateful.]

Better not get used to it because this is a one time only offer! I have to make sure your gentlemanly skills don't get rusty. I won't spoil you too much, that's your job.

[She's almost expecting that so it'll be a hearty and passionate battle, at least! Good, food, yes, something to focus on that won't throw a wrench in anyone's mood]

Hmmm...myriads of things are good here, this is the one time I'll encourage you being picky. There's a whole section of the city with restaurants and entertainment. What do you feel like stuffing your face with?

[ and if he should care about saying hi to his housemates, or checking out his new car, he doesn't: he'll announce himself to the network if he feels like it, but he doesn't really see a need to, not really, when he's got pretty much all he needs hanging from his neck like a koala.

he hums something tuneless, starts moving towards...somewhere, let's be real, he has no idea where the fuck he's going. ]

Huh, maybe burgers and cheap booze? I don't think they'd let you in where people take their clothes off, would they? Do they ID here?

[ and, as if he's remembering: ]

Maybe I'll need to start stripping to make money again, what do you think?

[Ahhh yes, Baron Obscene, this scene has been ~~an arms/dicks race~~ missed. Not! Pinching him lightly on the ear, she hums, considering his question. The Royal Treatment (with cheese) is always nice after a long day's work.]

Are you sure you wouldn't rather go to a place with cheap fingerfoods, cheap booze and even cheaper karaoke to embarrass yourself with? Pictures up on the internet in fifteen minutes or less! [Insta-scowl on high alert! As if she's remembering:]

Grody! I don't think the innocent people of this establishment need any more middle aged men showing off their banana hammocks over the network. The cake population certainly doesn't. [She actually shudders in his arms, and, okay, her cheeks are definitely pink, but that isn't from the flashback! She's...ha-having a hot flash, that's all.]

Baroqueheat-sama, where were you when the innocence of maidens everywhere was threatened? I saw muscles I never knew existed on a butt. [Well, that was actually kind of inspiring, tbh. If he really wanted to strip for money, well...] Nope, they can't have you.

What do you mean, middle-aged?! That's going too far, even for you... you're gonna hurt my feelings, at this rate.

[ he bops her gently on the nose, even if he knows he's well-past middle age into fucking ancient, 28 going on 208, but who the fuck cares. look at him in this gross silk wifebeater-collar-skinnypants ensemble, he's an embarrassment to all wannabe visual-kei artists everywhere.

but whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa back up, who's showing banana hammocks where and why and why wasn't he there to compete for his fair maiden's hand. who the fuck is trying to out-gross him??? there can only be one. ]

Raaaaaaahzel?

[ WHO IS THIS SHITLORD is between the margins of his singsong voice. ]

Whose ass have you been ogling, instead of mine? That's a low blow.

[She stiffens in his arms, pure ice seizing her voice as her expression darkens. Let's clear this up~]

I'd rather dip cotton balls in acid and put them in my mouth at the dentist than ogle your scrawny ass. I'm only calling it like I see it mister old fart! Once you're over twenty it's only a twenty degree angle before falling off the hill and rolling into oncoming traffic.

[She is decidedly pleading the fifth on that one. She can't have Baroqueheat finding out more and then spending money for his family on banana hammocks in a stupid contest. Grown men, tch. Someone has to save the day and apparently it's her turn. Again.]

Hmmmm? Ass? Ogle? I can't seem to remember...It's so hard to concentrate when I'm so hungry...[She flutters her eyelashes at him, the back of her hand to her forehead, a true swoon well practiced]

[ the swoon has him hoisting her up a little, bouncing her once, twice in mock wake up!! fashion before he starts trotting again, past rows of same-y houses, same-y cars. ]

I'll have you know that my ass is very popular in most circles of polite society. You wanna take a good look and reconsider?

[ a smarmy grin. there's no way he can actually show her his ass in this position, but damn if hi-tan's not gonna waste an opportunity to talk about his fucking ancient buns. let it go, baroqueheat, let it go. ]

Maybe you can savor my buns instead of going out to dinner...

[ FOR FUCKS SAKE ]

Polite society? You mean little old ladies with fake eyeballs who have to squint and think your butt is their grandchild finally coming to visit? Sounds about right!

[She definitely adds a giddyup horse seed at the bounces and pats his shoulder encouragingly...until the encouragement does a full magical girl transformation into punching him in the head territory!]

Certainly! Why don't I start cutting those buns with a rusty butter knife and see how the rest of the main course goes~?

[Jesus Fucking Christ, someone's going to need a crash course in puppy obedience school....again]

You've got Mail!

I'M ACTUALLY A GIANT RHINO DICK THE JOKE IS ON YOU...

HOW ARE YOU SPEAKING? WHY CAN THE VEINS TYPE!? this is gross, look what you did to our friendship

I'VE TORN THIS FAMILY APART

YOU HAVE, HOW DARE YOU

1/2 OH I DARE

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oh I forgot to -- I'LL DARE YOUR DERRIERE

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1/2 i'm sorry about the textwall, sobs

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1/2 too i guess NEVER BE bc I'm probs gonna wall-text you too

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MY GROSS TEXTWALLS SHOVING INTO YOUR FACE

I LOVE THEM IN MY FACE! GIVE IT TO ME~ (are you the one with the icon-slot-givage) (am i a dumb?)

shhhh i know nothing....shh....

IT IS YOU, ISN'T IT?!?!?! OH MY FUCKING GOD I will thank u by giving u my hot body

SHHHHH i'll take your hot bod though

presents body 2 u (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BOTTOM!!!!)

IT'S OK YOU ARE FABULOUS IT'S ALL YOU DESERVE

I'M GONNA CRY AGAIN!!! I'LL NEVER HAVE WORDS TO EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE, NOT EVEN IN KLINGON!

IF YOU CRY I'LL CRY

B-BAAAAW....

SO DON'T CRY!!!

you're the greatest....

no you are talking about yourself!!

UHM NO I MOST DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY MEAN YOU I will fight you dammit

A FIGHT TO THE DEATH IT SHALL BE

EN GARDE! but i'll shut up about it now (gomen)...just know my...feels

so kawaii my heart can't take it...

d-doki doki ps if theres anywhere specif u think they should go tell me, i was gonna pick agito idk?

I'M FINE WITH ANYTHING...! also if you don't want this all in your inbox, we could log... i'm gomen

agito it is tho idk much about it also no gomens needed, I'm cool with w/e's easier 4 u?

i'm ok with whatever!! i just don't want to clutter your IC inbox...!

ok here we go! setting le log up pronto